I’m determined not to fall at the first hurdle of this challenge, so at 11pm after 5 hours of coaching practice on Skype here’s my first post.

Feeling a bit meh, although I don’t blame the coaching for that. It’s just that I’m ready for bed and wish I’d done this earlier.

This blog post is an official reminder of how I feel trying to blog at 11pm.  It’s not a good time for me.  In fact I already knew that.  I’m  definitely a morning person.

I’ve proved that now by writing the same thing twice in this very short post and by completely forgetting how to spell “definitely”.

It’s edited now, but you probably don’t need me to tell you that.

Zzzzzzz

Yesterday was a bit of a struggle – full of “shoulds” and “ought tos”.

Yes, I’d got down on my hands and knees and cleaned the kitchen floor.

Yes, I’d cleared off one of the worktops and freed the crumbs that were trapped behind the many bits and bobs that had gathered there.

I’d written down some more ideas for this blog.

But I could feel the pent up anger and frustration that starts to emerge when I think the thought “I should be more productive”.

So I did Byron Katie’s “The Work”. This involves turning the thought around and finding at least 3 examples of why the turned around thought could be true.

So my three reasons that I “should not be more productive” were:

1. I’ve started a business where I help people live a slower life – duh!!
2. I want to follow my natural rhythms and inclinations, and those were telling me to do what I was doing and no more. Ha!
3. I know that whenever a “should” comes up in my mind, it means that I’m giving myself a hard time, and this is NOT an effective strategy for change.

Even so, by the evening I was again feeling grumpy and very down.  Things just hadn’t gone my way today!

And then I remembered what the trainer on my Martha Beck coach training call had reminded us.  It’s never the situation that makes us feel the way we do.  It’s our thoughts about the situation.  In fact Byron Katie’s Work is based on this understanding.  It wasn’t necessary to cut myself off from David, and end the day miserably.  I could choose to join him on the sofa and watch William, Kate and Harry at the Tower of London looking at the poppies.  So I did, and we thought once again about all those men who had died in WW1.  And I thought about them with respect, for the sacrifices they made.  Not with the heaviness of misery and hopelessness.

And this morning, I reminded myself again:

It’s not the situation, but our thoughts about the situation, that cause our misery and hopelessness.

This can be true in the grimmest of circumstances.  As Viktor Frankl chronicled in his book “Man’s Search for Meaning” about his time spent in several concentration camps, including Auschwitz, we  are free to choose our attitude in any given situation.  Frankl chose a positive attitude, in contrast to some of the other men in the camps.  They had given up, and would smoke their last cigarettes, instead of exchanging them for scraps of food.  According to Tom Butler Bowden in his summary of Frankl’s work

“We are not here to judge life according to what we expected from it and what it has delivered.  Rather, we must find the courage to ask what life expects of us, day by day.  Our task is not merely to survive, but to find the guiding truth specific to us and our situation, which can sometimes only be revealed in the worst suffering.”

If I’m honest, this blog came out of my own suffering.  Nothing like the real suffering of men like the ones who fought in the Great War and who were imprisoned in the concentration camps.  But self imposed, self absorbed suffering, that none the less can feel very real and sometimes absolutely hopeless.

If you have ever felt hapless and hopeless, there is a way out.

And it starts with changing your thinking.

Yesterday I drove a friend to a hospital appointment.

The journey was fine until we found ourselves heading for the M1 and M69 motorways.  I had wanted to avoid this and take the more scenic route, but managed to accidentally ‘lane hop’. A split second decision and we were joining the M69.  I’d left the calm of the Present Moment and was on the way to Panicsville.

I didn’t want to show this and risk putting my friend through any unnecessary stress.  “We’ll just stop at the first services we come to and I’ll check my phone” said I.  Disaster, no service on my phone.

She phoned her husband.  He helpfully told us we needed to be on the road that we were on before we took the wrong turn.

We had no choice but to go back onto the motorway, heading we were not sure where, and then leave at the next exit.  Unbelievably the next exit was the correct one for the hospital.  We both cheered.  Apparently more than one road leads to your destination.  Who knew?  We arrived at the hospital five minutes before the appointment time.

Although it can feel wrong not to stiffen our muscles and think ahead to disastrous outcomes, there’s no point in getting stressed in these situations.

This is the time to remember that if you keep calm, life will guide you.  This leads to confident action.  Even if you don’t know what the outcome will be.

And remember the people who overslept on 9/11.  The best possible outcome is not always the one you expect.

I love writing.  Always have done.  So why is it hard to hit publish on this blog?

The answer is that I’m scared.  Too scared to put my writing in the public domain.

Yesterday, an email I subscribe to arrived in my inbox from Neale Donald Walsh, the author of “Conversations with God”.  Neale says that asking “why?” is usually a waste of time and instead we should ask “what?”

As in “what action can I take on my dreams right now?”.  He says that “why is this happening?” is the most useless question in the universe.

And this has been my experience.  I’ve spent too much time trying to work out in my mind why certain events happened.  Why? why? why?

Sometimes an answer comes and I’m overjoyed.  There was the time that I discovered why I get crushes on men (and sometimes women come to think of it) when I don’t want to have a relationship with them.  The Enneagram helped me discover that this was probably because they have qualities that I would like to emulate.  Like confidence, charisma and creativity.

I don’t know why the qualities I want to emulate all begin with ‘C’.

But, discovering this facet of my personality was a huge aha moment for me.  I was convinced that it was the answer to all my problems.  Well not all of them, but it was big.

Having this information alone didn’t change anything though.  It wasn’t until I started to be  aware of my behaviour when it was actually happening, that things began to change. Noticing that I blushed when I saw one of the objects of my admiration and felt upset if they ignored me.  The antidote was to stay in the moment and “feel the feelings”.  That way the feelings feel heard, and pass through more quickly.

Try it, you’ll see.

And not try to escape from the feelings by thinking of something else, running away or ordering a large G & T.

I realised that it was just a false fixation that served no purpose.  And that made all the difference.  I could just drop it.

It took a while, but eventually I noticed a difference in my behaviour in the company of these people.  I was a lot more natural and relaxed.  I still admired them perhaps, but also “saw the light” and wondered why my feelings had been so intense.

So just knowing “why” is not the key to freedom.  You can choose to stop asking “why?” and take action on your dreams.

Reading, writing and daydreaming.  With a bit of cooking with whatever’s in the cupboard, making cakes with fruit and vegetables in them and gardening thrown in.  And walking the dog.  And appreciating nature, trees and birds and sunsets.  And seeing new places. And favourite old ones like London and Paris.  And talking to friends.  And going to the cinema occasionally to see what my mother called ‘nice films’.  And shopping for nice food, clothes and things for the house. But not too much of that these days.

Those are a few of my favourite things.  Oh and musicals.  And all kinds of singing.

And being on our narrow boat.  What better way to live the slow life than on a narrow boat.

Well I used to love daydreaming, but not so much now.  I’ve moved into relaxed action mode.  When you’ve spent many years living in your head, having whole conversations and lots of different experiences there, it’s refreshing to be out in the real world.

I want to make the most of that.

Except when I’ve left something until the last minute and have to move into top gear to get it done.  Then the adrenaline starts flowing.

Or when there’s an emergency.  Someone is ill and an ambulance needs calling.  I’ve done that.  Once it was for myself, but that’s another story.

Anyway, I’ve been living like a retired person recently – no 9-5, time spent in France taking it easy and drinking red wine, coffee mornings, pootling on the narrow boat etc.  It’s had it’s ups and downs as old people might say.

But the lessons you learn about yourself, others and life in general when you slow down and make time to just be.  Priceless.

What’s your idea of enjoying a slower life?

About 10 years ago a friend and I went to the Vitality Show in London.  I’d just finished a course at the Institute for Optimum Nutrition and had been told a magazine were runnning  lectures on healthy eating and living.  You could earn credits towards your continuing professional development by attending some of the workshops.  My friend came along to keep me company and also because she was interested in the health and beauty based stalls and talks going on in the main hall. We planned to meet for lunch and a meal in the evening, when the show was over.

There was a packed programme for the nutrition part of the show and some of the lectures were running consecutively.  I went to one which was titled (something like) ‘Nutrition and Stress Management’.  It was an enjoyable talk, but there was something else I wanted to see in another theatre, so instead of listening to the lecture, I was thinking “hmm, is this valuble to my career in nutrition or perhaps I should leave this one and go to the other one about Arthritis and diet?”.

I can remember a feeling of intense stress as I listened to the lecture about stress management. I looked behind me to see if there was clear access to the door. I stood up and sat down again.  And so the day continued.

When I met my friend for dinner that evening, she told me she’d seen some interesting speakers including the Barefoot Doctor, Jason Vale the Juicemaster and Eckhart Tolle talking about ‘Living in the now’.  “I didn’t like that one” she told me.  “He spoke quietly and monotonously and his expression never changed.  The lecture hall was packed though with standing room only.”.

My curiosity was sparked by Eckhart Tolle ‘the one she didn’t like’.  The show programme mentioned his book ‘The Power of Now’.  It was about “living in the moment, and only visiting past and future when absolutely necessary.”

When the book arrived I read it through three times in a row.  It intrigued me and I somehow felt that this was what I had been looking for.

I loved the idea of the freedom of ‘living in the now’.

A couple of years ago, the sender of a newsletter I subscribed to mentioned their Enneagram personality type.  I was intrigued.  I liked the way the descriptions on the Enneagram Institute’s website mentioned being in the moment as the path to redemption.

It wasn’t immediately apparent what my Enneagram type is, my quiz scores were equal for types 4 and 9.  After studying the type descriptions on the website; I decided I was type 4.

A degree of self awareness is required, as the descriptions go into a lot of negative detail, as well as describing the positve aspects of each personality type. Luckily, self awareness is one of the positive qualities of a 4.  Some of the traits are things we do and motives we have without realising that we have them.

For example, I had a crush on someone whose evening classes I attended.  I couldn’t understand why, because this person is not someone I’d want to have a romantic relationship with.  He does have a certain charisma though, and is quite a spiritual person.   I couldn’t stop thinking about him, especially if he paid me some attention or admired my work.  I’d spend ages staring into space and reliving the feelings he’d elicited in me.  But on the evenings that he ignored me because he was preoccupied with dealing with other students (the audacity!) I would secretly feel distraught – sometimes on the verge of tears (I know!).  I learned that these infatuations are an aspect of the Type 4 personality.  We can become obsessed with people who have personality traits that we admire and want for ourselves.

I also learned that Type 4’s are prone to envy.  “Not me”, I thought.  My husband can show one of my friends a ridiculous amount of attention and I don’t feel a pang.  But when I forced myself to get quiet inside, and pay attention, I noticed that I was no stranger to the green eyed monster.  It was triggered when I saw someone who looked attractive and successful for example, or a joyful looking family.  More than anything else, I felt it when speaking to someone who sounded confident and comfortable in their skin.  I wanted to be like them.

These personality quirks are connected to the desires we have to be the best version of ourselves.

It was easier to admit to some of the positive qualities of the Type 4.  Creativity, compassion, emotional strength and ultimately, equanimity.  Had to check that last one with the dictionary.  “A state of psychological stability and composure, which is undisturbed by exposure to emotions, pain or other phenomena that may cause others to lose the balance of their mind”.  I’m not there yet, but have seen this quality in myself at certain difficult times of my life.

The most helpful aspect of what I learned, was that Type 4’s are prone to day dreaming and “using their imagination to prolong certain feelings, both positive and negative.”  I already knew this but felt good to have it confirmed as universal to my personality type. It confirmed why I find it so difficult to be in the moment and concentrate on one thing for any length of time.

And this was a starting point for change.

The book, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, recommends a regular routine of getting up at the same time every day, same for bed time, daily meditation, exercise and most of all making a daily contribution through meaningful work.  This, it says is the true path to redemption for a 4 and something they tend to resist, as they fear mundanity and are keen to protect their sense of individuality.  It recommends that we hire a coach or mentor, to help us through this difficult process of change.

That brought me back to this blog.  Being a dreamer and living in my imagination for so long made me good at fooling myself that I’m achieving more than I am.  I write reams in my head and am inspired on a regular basis.  This makes me feel that I’m being productive when I’m not.

The demons in my head scream at me to check Facebook, join my husband on the sofa to watch Antiques Roadshow, tell me that I’m not in the mood this evening, I can get up early in the morning and do this, this isn’t what I wanted to write about, I don’t know enough about the subject etc, etc, etc.

That’s going to change,  Those demons will sit on my shoulder and heckle me to begin with, but will get bored when I continue to ignore their attempts at sabotage.  We all have these demons, but the Type 4 ones heckle more loudly than those of other types

I’m determined to shut them out and become the productive blogger that in my imagination I already am.

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Do you trust that what you are doing now is the right thing for you to be doing?  And the place where you are sitting reading this is the only place you are supposed to be?

I don’t mean that reading this post is the be all and end all.  It’s just that having a sense of acceptance for what’s going on in your life, right at this moment, makes everything a little easier.  It gives you a sense of freedom.  From longing for something different.

As we get older, we realise that material ‘things’ don’t necessarily give us as much pleasure as we hoped they might.  It’s all about how we feel on the inside.  Being in the moment and noticing what’s going on around us (including our own reactions to life) teach us to know ourselves better.

The more we punish and admonish ourselves for our own behaviour, the less likely we are to change.

The other evening I found myself standing in the kitchen feeling thoroughly miserable about a certain situation in my life.  In the past I would have let the negative thoughts escalate in to a full blown depressive mood.  But now I remember to pause for a moment, take some deep breaths and feel the emotions but not let them take me over.  I did the washing up that had been left in the sink, changed the lighting to something less harsh and prepared a meal of tinned chickpeas, sliced nectarine, goats cheese and rocket..  That’s all it took to turn the evening from dismal to enjoyable.

So it’s not about positive thinking and avoidance tecniques.  It’s all about acceptance and doing what makes you feel good, without leaving you with a massive hangover or come down later on.